Having fallen in love, we expect love to answer all questions and solving all problems. That the partner will understand us without words and will never offend us. That everything will happen in a relationship itself – after all, we love each other. Alas, such good expectations do not lead to anything good.
Whoever was the one who was the first to say that everything would be easy with that person, he was wrong. Relations always require work and investments. The work is to study another person, listen to his needs, try not to put pressure on the patient, learn to compromise. Resolve contradictions, put up, make joint plans for the future, given the interests of both parties.
In some relations, this work goes faster and turns out to be less painful – as a rule, this happens if you and your partner have similar values and views on life – but difficulties always arise, and you
must be prepared for this.
No. We are all too different, we have different experience, different injuries and ideas about what love is. And if we want relations for a long time, it’s time to learn how to honestly and directly talk about our desires, even if it seems that it kills all the romance.
Most likely, the partner will not say the same words and will not make the same gift or gesture without your hint, and this is normal! This does not mean that he does not love you – this means that you are not expressed specifically. True mature love is not a story about chic bouquets and romantic dinners by candlelights, but about the readiness of partners to be honest and open, listen and hear each other.
Love is a beautiful starting point, but in a long -term relationship, the conscious arbitrary actions of both partners are no less important. We need stability, understanding, willingness to compromise, the desire to grow (individually and as a couple). And if most of these components are absent, a long healthy union is hardly possible.
As already mentioned earlier, it is important to listen to another and analyze how our actions can affect it, but to blame each other that we feel bad is a sign of not too healthy relationships and emotional immaturity.
Emotions are extremely subjective. And even if we try to be with each other as careful as possible, there is still a chance to accidentally hurt a loved one. And, in the end, if we are systematically offended, we always have a choice: leave everything as it is, work out our problems or find what will be better understood by us.
Many of us have broken hearts. They betrayed, left. Some became victims of Abuez and other forms of toxic relations. This forced to put an end to his personal life for some time. But then, having met another person, we began to hope that he would help us recover.
But this is not his responsibility, but our. Only we ourselves are able to carry out internal work, independently or with the support of a specialist, in order to start trusting people again and open a heart for love.
Especially from themselves? No. If a person is not in the fret of himself, no, even the strongest love from the partner is not able to change it. Because love is not replacing professional help. She will not solve all problems, although she will make life more saturated and beautiful.
Sometimes the best that we can do is to understand that love alone is not enough. Especially our love. Admit that another person needs much more than we can give him. We can support each other along this path, but the main steps will have to be taken on our own.
The above quote from the book of Yanush Vishnevsky “Loneliness on the Web” as well as possible reflects the state of affairs for today. But just some 20 years ago, you could, without thinking about comfort, go on a trip with your friends. Remember how the tents were put, they sang songs under the guitar by the fire, how they bathed naked under the moon? And how awkward it was to start communication with a girl who liked it so much? And what a delight it was when the cherished numbers of the home phone number were recorded on a piece of paper ..
After all, you remember? As at the other end of the tube, her father’s stern voice was waiting for, and then these walks under the moon and, of course, that first awkward kiss. It seemed that here it was, happiness! Happiness that overwhelmed you when you ran home, dreaming of a cloudless future. And
it doesn’t matter what is still ahead of so many years of study, work in a night shift, an empty wallet and a cramped room in a hostel. The main thing was the understanding: “They are waiting for me there. I’m not alone”.
Technologies unite the world, but we are disconnected
And what now? It would seem that in the era of global communications we cannot be lonely, because our relatives, friends, acquaintances are from us at a distance of just one click. You can easily find friends in interests, like -minded people or freely flirt in dating applications.
But for some reason, loneliness in the world does not become less every year. On the contrary, more and more people ask themselves simple and at the same time arch -wording questions:
Why am I so lonely (a)?
Why can’t I build normal relations for so much time?
Are there really no normal men (women)?
What is the reason for growing global loneliness and where to look for answers to these simple questions?
Before our eyes, a full communication of superficial correspondence is replaced. Smiley instead of words, reduction instead of the integrity of the language – the substitution of meanings emotionally impoverish participants in such a dialogue. Emoji steal emotions.
In communication with the opposite sex, the concentration on one one is not achieved, An illusion of infinite choice is formed. After all, it is enough to press the “Delete out of steam” button and continue your endless trip on the network. Into the world of imposed stereotypes and templates, inhabited as lonely as we are people.
Each of the inhabitants of this world has its own account on social networks with an improved version of itself: here is success, and beauty, and mind. Kaleidoscope of ideal and such unfortunate users.
So why is it so difficult to build relationships? It would seem that the image of a perfect prince or princess is ready. Go to one of dozens of dating sites – and on the road! But failure awaits us precisely because our best version of itself is often in no way connected with real life. And over time, we not only begin to believe in this false image ourselves, but also build the same unrealistic expectations from a potential partner.
The problem is aggravated by the fact that on the other side of the screen the situation is mirror: the same disliked child with low self-esteem is looking at us, who is trying to hide his imperfection behind a beautiful wrapper, for whom going into the real world is a difficult task due to impenetrated fears and complexes:
inferiority complex (self -doubt),
Complex of the abandoned (fear of being rejected),
a complex of a hermit (fear of responsibility and close relations),
a complex of omnipotence (I am the best, and it is impossible not to love me).
It is the combination of these problems that leads to the fact that most Internet dating ends in the virtual world, replenishing a bottomless piggy bank of loneliness in the world of real every day.
What to do and how to finally get out of this closed circle?
The main advice: it is important to be ready to get out of the virtual comfort zone and face face to face with your fears. There can be a lot of fears. This is a fear of awkwardness (I may seem stupid, if I say something wrong), the fear of being rejected (especially if such negative experience was in the past), fear of intimacy, especially intimate (that the image or picture from the social network will collapse in reality). Of course, this is not easy, but here the realization that we are not perfect, and this imperfection is absolutely normal!
They will help to overcome your fears and finally go into the real world.
Plan a date for a specific date and time. Do not be afraid to voice your wishes.
Treat a date as an adventure, gaining new experience. Don’t make large bets on it at once. This will help reduce the alarm.
Admit your partner in your anxiety. This is the first step to be yourself and show that you are a living person.
Stop looking for excuses (not the state today, mood, day, phase of the moon), follow the clearly outlined plan.
Live the moment here and now. Do not think for a partner what they think about you how you look.
Concentrate on emotions, sounds, tastes.
And, most importantly, remember that no virtual surrogate, no matter how ideal it is, will replace you with living human communication.